She and I, Volume 2 Read online

  CHAPTER FOUR.

  "UP FOR EXAM."

  Say, should the philosophic mind disdain That good which makes each humbler bosom vain? Let school-taught pride dissemble all it can, These little things are great to little man!

  In pursuance of the vicar's advice, I hied me without delay to the tutorwhom he had specially recommended; and, setting to work diligently,crammed, as hard as I could, for my expected examination.

  "Cramming," nothing more nor less, was, undoubtedly, the system pursuedby this modern instructor of maturity--I cannot say `of youth,' as themajority of his pupils were men who had long cut their wisdom teeth, andworn the virile toga almost threadbare:--stalwart men, "bearded like thepard," in the fashion of Hamlet's warrior, which has now become sogeneral that heroes and civilians are indistinguishable the one from theother.

  The crammer dosed these with facts and figures at a five-hundred-horse-power rate, interlarding them with such stray skeleton scraps of popularinformation as mendicant scholars may pick up from the sumptuously-spread tables of the learned, through those crumb-like compilations ofchronology and history, with which we are familiar, styled "treasures ofknowledge:"--thus, he injected into the brain of his neophytes dates bythe dozen and proper names--geographical ones in particular--by thescore, impressing them on stubborn memories through the aid of someeasily-learnt rhyme, or comic association, that made even the dullestcomprehension retentive for awhile.

  His entire curriculum consisted, mainly, in the getting by heart, withtheir answers, of sundry old civil service examination papers which hekept in stock--continually increasing his store as fresh ones wereissued by the examining board, until he was at length master of everyquestion which had ever puzzled a candidate from the era of the firstcompetition down to the present day.

  His motive in this was very obvious. The crammer argued, not onlywisely, but well, that a certain proportion of these questions werepretty safe to be again propounded in subsequent contests, just as onesees antique Joe Millers appear again and again, at regular recurringintervals, in the excruciating "Facetiae" columns of those pennyserials, of limited merit and "unlimited circulation," that delight theeyes and ears of below-stairs readers, the staple of whose mentalpabulum they principally form.

  The crammer was right in his premises, as I've said, the old queriesbeing so frequently put and re-put, that they amount on average to fiftyper cent, at least, of the total number that may be set to-morrow, toaddle the brains of the Smiths, Browns, and Robinsons who may beambitious of serving their country in a red-tape capacity.

  It has often struck me that the general principles of our nationalsystem of education are open to considerable improvement.

  We go to work on a wrong foundation.

  Any plan of instruction, meant to be permanent in its effects, should behomogeneous: we, on the contrary, so break up and divide the differentbranches of ordinary knowledge, that they resemble more a number ofdisconnected particles, loosely strung together without order oruniformity, than the kindred units of a harmonious whole--as shouldproperly be the case.

  We mark out and specify, geography, history, science, and BellesLettres, as distinct subjects for study--whereas, in reality, theydovetail into one another in the closest bonds of relationship; and,were they only thus judiciously intermingled, in one, thorough, cosmicalcourse of learning, they would, most likely, be better understood intheir separate parts, and, undoubtedly, be better remembered.

  For instance, in grounding the young idea in the geography of anyparticular country, the main points of its history should follow as anatural sequence. Its seas and rivers would lead to the considerationof commerce and the polity of nations:--the mention of its towns,suggest the names of its great men in literature and art. Its scenerywould call to mind the poets who might have made it famous, the artistswho may have portrayed its beauties with their pencil; while, to pursuethe theme, its valleys and mountains would remind the student of thevalue of agriculture and mineral wealth--besides attracting his noticeto atmospherical and other scientific phenomena, that can be far morereadily comprehended by young learners, when thus seen, as it were, inaction, than if taught merely in separate dry treatises that seem tohave little in common with the busy, bustling, moving world, whose lawsthey affect to expound.

  My plan, indeed, would be a further development of the Kindergartenscheme, and the Pestalozzian system, generally.

  As soon as children had passed through the rudimentary stages ofinstruction, being able to spell and read correctly, their advancedstudies should be entirely shorn of their present routinecharacteristics. They might be made so full of life, and evenamusement, that they would thenceforth lose their _lesson_ look; and be,correspondingly, all the more easily-learnt. In fact, they would appearmore as a series of interesting pastimes than school tasks.

  Instead of making boys and girls con so many pages, say, of thegeography of China, at the same time that they are wading through thehistory of the Norman Conquest, for instance; those two subjects shouldbe made to bear the one upon the other.

  The deeds of Duke Robert would lead to a consideration of the placesmentioned in connection with them, their geographical position, geology,local traditions, celebrities, and other archaeological associations;while, their after-bearing on the history of our country should not beomitted.

  The doings of the Black Prince might, also be exampled as inducing thestudy of the geography of northern France. Cressy, and Poitiers, andAgincourt, might, naturally, suggest the first use of gunpowder, itscomposition, and invention; and, then, the improvements in modernweapons of war would follow as a natural consequence, which would end intheir being compared with the old flint implements, that are sofrequently found to the delight of antiquaries' hearts.

  In this way, the literature of any particular period might be combinedwith its history and geography:--science, and other technical matters,being incidentally introduced; and, the pupil's imagination, inaddition, kept in play, by allowing him or her to peruse such goodhistorical novels and light essays as would bear upon the life and timesof the people of whom they were reading.

  Celebrated battles of the world, memorable deeds, and famous men, wouldthen no longer be classed in separate order, as so many bald facts, anddates, and names, to be learnt and remembered in chronological sequence;but, the young student would take such deep interest in them from thevarious pieces of desultory and comprehensive information he may havepicked up in reference, that he could tell you "all about them" insuccinct narrative--in lieu of merely being only able to mention theirbare statistical connections.

  You may urge, perhaps, that this system would take a long time to work;and that a large portion of the knowledge thus learnt would be quicklyforgotten?

  But, to the first objection I would reply, that, I do not see why itshould take any longer than the ordinary practice of educating children,now in vogue; as, instead of considering the various subjectsseparately, they would only be taught the same things contemporaneously,as parts of a whole; and, I certainly would be inclined to "back" one ofmy scholars, if I instructed any on the principle, to know more of thegeneral history and polity of the world and of the different countriesrespectively that compose it--besides possessing a fair acquaintancewith modern literature and science--than one taught in the old fashionfor thrice the time.

  With regard to your second demurrer, I would say, that, granting that agood deal of this stray information might pass in at one ear and out ofthe other; still, much would remain--sufficient and more than sufficientto render the scholar better educated, as a rule, than many men whoyearly obtain high honours at the university for special attainments in"the humanities."

  Under my system, they would be educated to more practical purpose forfuture usefulness; for, the knowledge of college men is generallylimited to certain class books, while, generously-schooled youths, onthis plan, would have extracted the honey from almost every volume theycould pick up, ranging from Pinnock's _Catechism of Common
Things_ atone extreme, to Ruskin's _Ethics of the Dust_ at the other--and, Ithink, that allows a very fair margin for criticism!

  But, you may now ask, what on earth have I, Frank Lorton, got to do withall this; especially at the present moment, when I have not yet passedmy examination before Her Majesty's Polite Letter Writer Commissioners?

  What, indeed! All I can say for my unpardonable digression is, that Iwas, I suppose, born a reformer at heart, having an itching desire to becontinually setting matters straight around me of all kinds andbearings. The mention of those confounded "crammers," led me on to talkabout examinations in general; and, while on the topic, I could not stopuntil I had thoroughly relieved my mind from an incubus of educationalzeal that has long lain there dormant.

  Now, I will proceed again, with your permission and pardon--whichlatter, I'm confident, is already granted.

  Thanks to an excellent memory, and a firm resolve to succeed "by hook orby crook," I made the most of all my crammer taught me; although, likemost of his pupils, I found it at first rather irksome. However, mywork had to be done, and I did it. I consoled myself with thereflection that it was all for Min eventually; and, obeying the behestsof my tutor, I quickly learnt all the endless series of names and datesthat he entrusted to my memory--to the very letter and spirit thereof.

  In a fortnight, he told me that he considered me "safe" to pass "theboard"--an assurance which I was by no means sorry to hear; as,independently of my discovering that "cramming" is not the mostinteresting mode of beguiling one's time, I received at the end of thesame period, through the kind exertions of the vicar on my behalf, anomination to the Obstructor General's Office.

  The official letter conveying the gratifying intelligence of mynomination, directed me, also, to present myself on the followingTuesday morning, at "ten of the clock" precisely, before the examiningboard of commissioners--taking care to furnish myself with a dulyauthenticated certificate of baptism and one testifying my moralcharacter; neither of which had I any difficulty in procuring.

  Thus provided, and crammed, "up to the nines," by my temporarypedagogue, I put in my due appearance, as required, to have myattainments tested:--in order that I might be reported upon as fit, ornot, to undertake the very onerous duties of the office to which I hadbeen probationally appointed.

  I was quite hopeful as to the result, for my "crammer" again impressedme at the last moment with his entire conviction that I would pass witheclat; while, my good friend the vicar, who had given me the mostflaming of testimonials, cheered me up with his cordial wishes for mysuccess, as did also dear little Miss Pimpernell, in her customaryimpulsive way.

  "Down along in Westminster, not far from the side of the wa--ter," as issung in the eloquent strains of a certain "Pretty Little Ratcatcher'sDaughter," who was known and admired "all around that quar--ter," standsthe not-by-any-means-gloomy-looking mansion of Her Majesty's PoliteLetter Writer Commissioners--over whose fell door so many tremblingcandidates for situations under Government might, very reasonably, tracethe mystic characters of the inscription surmounting Dante's_Inferno_--"Lasciate ogni speranza doi ch' entrate!"

  Arrived here, and mounting a series of stairs until I had reached thetopmost floor, to which I was directed by the janitor, I found myself atlast in a long, low, gothic-lighted room--whose windows had commandingviews of the grand hotel over the way, the roof of the Abbey alongside,and the police station in the centre of the problematical "green" infront.

  Here, the competitors could reflect--while awaiting their papers, orwhen chewing the cud of contentment or despair at the contemplation ofthe same--on what might be the vicissitudes of their lot in the event oftheir failure or success.

  At a given signal, fifty-nine other persons and myself, all doomed tocompete for six vacancies in the much-desired office of the ObstructorGeneral, were ushered, like schoolboys, into another and inner room,opening out of the former and garnished with rows of green-baize-coveredtables, running from end to end.

  This room seemed to bring back to me a host of old recollections; and,each moment, I was expecting to see the ghost of "Old Jack," my headinstructor at Queen's College School in days of yore, and hear himexclaiming in his well-remembered stentorian tones--"Boy Lorton--you aredetained for inattention! Stop in and write five hundred lines!"--and,then, to see him come swooping down the room upon me, with wrath andmajesty seated on his bald brow and his gown flowing behind him.

  He generally took such enormous strides, when moved with a sudden desireto punish some lost soul, whom he might suspect of the heinous crimes ofidleness or "cribbing"--both unforgivable offences in his calendar--thatthe aforesaid gown, I recollect, seemed frequently to float over hishead--forming in conjunction with his square college cap, alias "mortarboard," a regular "nimbus," like that surrounding the heads of thesaints in old pictures.

  The Polite Letter Writer Commissioners--or rather, their executive--were, I must confess, much quieter in their demeanour, moving about asstealthily as if they were engaged in any number of Gunpowder, or RyeHouse Plots, or other conspiracies.

  Perhaps, you say, they were much too orderly in their proceedings forme?

  Well, I don't think so, exactly; still, _I_ do not believe much in thejustice and impartiality of the Vehmgerichte, Parliamentary committees,the Berlin police, the prefects of the past empire, Monsieur Thiers'scommunistic courts-martial, or of the New York Erie Ring--nor, indeed ofany representative, or, other body, which hides its deeds and decisionsunder a cloak of secrecy!

  Be that as it may, the method of the examiners did not tend to reassureus, speaking collectively of the sixty of us who now awaited judgment--fifty-four of whom were pre-ordained to failure, and _knew it_, whichcertainly militated against any chance of their looking upon thepreparations for their torture with a lenient eye.

  At regular intervals along the green-baize tables were deposited smallparcels of stationery, consisting of a large sheet of sanguinaryblotting-paper, a quire or so of foolscap, a piece of indiarubber, anattenuated lead-pencil, a dozen of quill pens, with others of Gillott'sor Mitchell's manufacture, and an ink bottle--the whole putting one inmind of those penny packets of writing requisites that itinerantpedlars, mostly seedy-looking individuals who "have seen better days,"pester one's private house with in London; and which they are so anxiousto dispose of, that they exhibit the greatest trust in your integrity,leaving their wares unsolicited behind them, and intimating that theywill "call again for an answer."

  The present parcels were also "left for answers"--answers on whichdepended our future prospects and position!

  Seated in state, on a sort of dais in the centre of the room, was acourteous and urbane personage of affable exterior. He was furtherhedged in with a species of outwork of the sentry-box formation, whichconcealed his lower limbs from view:--a precaution evidently designed toprotect him from the fierce onslaught of some demented candidate--who,when suffering from the continuous effect of "examination on the brain,"might have been suddenly goaded to frenzy by a string of unsolvablequestions.

  This gentleman entreated us, as a first step, to "stand by" the forms--like a crew of sailors about to make sail; and then, in the words of theUnjust Steward, to "sit down and write quickly," each in front of one ofthe little piles of stationery.

  We obeyed this injunction as well as we were able, although many of us,unaccustomed to rapid penmanship, found the latter part of the orderrather difficult of accomplishment. It was all very well to say, "Sitdown and write quickly!" but, what, if we had nothing to say, and didn'tknow how to say it?

  Ah!

  Under the tutelage of the superintending chief, lesser satellitesministering occasionally to our wants in the matter of pens and paper,and distributing fresh series of questions to us every hour or so, wewere for three days put through the paces of what the examiners held tobe "the requirements of a sound liberal English education"--I,certainly, should, however, have thought but "small potatoes," as theAmericans say, of the general attainments o
f the lot of us in thisrespect, if all we possessed were tested on the occasion, or even atithe of our knowledge!

  If one could have set aside one's own interest in the contest, the scenein that long low room of the Polite Letter Writer Commissioners wasamusing enough.

  You should only have watched the anxious glances we bent around on eachother, after first scanning over the printed lists supplied to puzzleus! How we cordially sympathised with the hopeless vacant stare ofignorance, proceeding from some tall, bearded individual, well on in histwenties--who looked far more fit to shoulder a musket and go to thewars, like our French friend, "Malbrook," than to be thus condemnedagain to school-boy duties! How we glared, also, at any brilliantcompetitor, whose down-bent head seemed too intent on mastering thesubject set before him; and, whose ready pen appeared to be travellingover paper at far too expeditious a rate for our chances of winning theclerkly race! With what horror and despair, we confronted a "poser"that was placed to catch us napping:--how we jumped at anything easy!

  Taking note of the examiner's watchfulness; the hushed silence thatreigned around, only broken by the scribbling sound of busy workers andthe listless shuffling of the feet of others, who, having, as theysanguinely thought, completely mastered their tasks, had nothing furtherto occupy their time until "the gaudy pageant" should be "o'er"--thewhole thing, really, was school all over again!

  I believed, every moment, that I was back again once more in the well-remembered "B" schoolroom at Queen's--where and when Old Jack,promenading all in his glory, caused me often to "tremble for fear ofhis frown," like that "Sweet Alice," whom Ben Bolt loved and baselydeserted.

  To still further carry out the romantic resemblance, we were allowed anhour at noon for rest and refreshment each day that the examinationlasted.

  Many, undoubtedly, devoted this interval steadily to recruiting thewants of the inner man; but, one could well fancy them bursting offmadly into some boyish game, with all the ardour that their previousapplication may have generated--the shouts of the Westminster scholarsin the adjacent yard bearing out the illusion.

  _I_ spent my play-hour in wandering through the classic shades of theAbbey next door, looking over the memorial tablets of "sculptured brassand monumental marble," erected to the honour of departed worthies:--Iwished, you know, to keep my mind in a properly reflective state for theafternoon hours of examination--history and other abstruse studies beingusually then set.

  A few mad, hair-brained youths, however, I was sorry to observe,beguiled the interregnum with billiards and beer; but, these, I'mdelighted to add, got handsomely plucked for their pains--as they richlydeserved. You and I, you know, never drink beer or play billiards. Oh,dear no! Never, on my word!

  As all things must come to an end at some time or other, the examinationproved no exception to the rule, duly dragging its weary length alonguntil it came to a dead stop.

  A week afterwards I learnt my fate. I had not passed with the "eclat"my tutor prophesied; but, I contrived to get numbered amongst thosefortunate six who secured their appointments out of the entire sixtythat competed.

  I only got through "by the skin of my teeth," the crammer said; still,that was quite sufficient for me. I had, therefore, you see, no causeof quarrel with the examining board. They had, it is true, made me outto have only barely come up to the required standard in French--alanguage with which I had been familiar from childhood; but, theycompensated for this, by according me full marks in book-keeping--whichI had been totally ignorant of a week before the examination; and, Ionly answered the questions asked me therein through dint of thewholesale theoretical cramming of my tutor!

  So much for the value of the ordeal.

  I maintain that, in many instances, these competitive examinations arequite uncalled-for, and a great mistake.

  In the one I was engaged in, for example, two-thirds of the candidateswere men who had already been employed in the public service as"writers"--some for years. Now, if these were held competent to fulfilthe duties of office life, as they must have been, or they would not bethus employed, surely, it was unnecessary, as well as unfair and absurd,to subject them to test the school-boy acquirements, that many hadforgotten, which offered no real proof of their aptitude to be publicaccountants.

  And, secondly, I firmly believe that competition neither produces thebest clerks--out of those who thus initiate their official life, and whomight not have been engaged beforehand, as writers or otherwise; nordoes the system, as I've already said, afford any guarantee for a soundeducation on the part of those examined.

  The Polite Letter Writer Commissioners, I have no doubt, do their dutyas well as they can, in that position and state of life to which anenthusiastic reformer, backed up by an Act of Parliament, has calledthem; but, at the present time, ignorance has every facility afforded itfor riding rampant over their "crucial" tests, while "crammers" drive,with the greatest glee, coaches and sixes by the score through theirmost zealous enactments.

  If the competitive theory is to be the basis of our civil serviceorganisation, it should be extended to all classes and grades inofficial life; and not be limited merely to the junior clerk at thebottom of the red-tape ladder.

  Let every one, up to the under-secretaries of state and members of thecabinet even, be examined and tested and docketed in due order ofmerit--in the same way as the Chinese conduct their mandarin school--anddistribute variously coloured buttons to graduates of different degrees,letting "the best man win," in accordance with the old motto of the nowextinct "Prize Ring."

  Perhaps, if ministers were subjected to some such ordeal--and theremight be a good deal in it if it were only properly conducted--theywould find themselves fit to grapple with more vital matters thanpolitical pyrotechnics, which are only fired off to suit popularclamour; and, were they better acquainted with history, especially thatof their own country--as they would be, if forced to "cram" like thecommissioners' candidates--they would hesitate before sacrificing theold renown of England, and the interests which she has consolidated withher blood and treasure for generations, to suit a bastard diplomacyinvented by the "peace-at-any-price" party of patriotism-less patriots!

  The vicar, naturally, was delighted with my success; and, as for littleMiss Pimpernell, she was quite jubilant.

  "Dear me, Frank!" she said, when I took the letter announcing myappointment to show her the same evening I received it. "I am _so_glad--I can't tell you how glad--my dear boy! Why, we will have you andMiss Min soon setting up house-keeping! Did I not tell you that thingswould be certain to come right, if you only waited, and worked, andhoped? Never you go against Keble again, my boy."

  I promised her I would not. I should have liked also to have spoken toMrs Clyde immediately, as Min was still away, and I could hear nothingof her; but, she had left town, too, and so I was unable to carry out mywish--which, indeed, Miss Pimpernell had strongly advised against mydoing. The latter counselled me to wait awhile before I renewed myoffer; and, it was just as well, perhaps, that Mrs Clyde _was_ away. Imight, you know, have put an end to all my hopes in a jiffey, ifcircumstances had not prevented my hurrying matters again to a crisis!

  It was very sad for me not to be able to see Min, and hear _her_congratulations; but still, that could not be at present; and, in themeantime, other folk took interest in me.

  It is wonderful, how people living in a small suburb, or remote countryvillage, are obliged to submit to having their actions canvassed, andthe incidents of their private life made public property of, by otherpersons with whom they may have nothing whatever in common!

  For instance, what earthly concern was it of Mr Mawley's, whether Ichose to accept a Government appointment, or not? Why should _he_ havethe impertinent officiousness to lecture me when he heard of my joiningthe Obstructor General's Office; and, _I_, be forced to submit to hisremarks thereon?

  He doubted, forsooth, whether I was really suited to the work! He"hoped" I would "get steadier," he was pleased to say; and, he was alsokind
enough to express the desire for me to learn that "deferencetowards my superiors," with which I was, at present, according to hisidea, "sadly unacquainted!"

  Indeed! It was just like his presumption.

  I wonder if he thought himself one of the "superiors" in question. Didhe wish me always to allow his ridiculous assertions to passunquestioned?--

  Lady Dasher, too, had her say. But, as she suggested a valuable hint tome, I condoned her offence.

  I had gone to call one afternoon soon after the change in my condition,which everybody, by the way, seemed pleased at, that I cared about, savedog Catch. The poor fellow missed his walks sadly, having now to put upwith a short morning and evening stroll, instead of being out with meall day, as he frequently had been before, when, my time being my own, Iwas free to roam.

  "My lady" appeared more melancholic than ordinarily, when congratulatingme on my successful entry into public life. She spoke as if she werecondoling with me on the demise of a near relative.

  I returned this by praising a new fuchsia with five pink bells and agolden coronal, which she had lately added to her collection; and, shethen gave me the hint to which I have drawn attention.

  "Ah! Mr Lorton," she said, after a pause, "life is very uncertain!"

  "Just so," I said, acquiescing in her truism, in order to keep up theconversation,--"but we cannot help that, you know, Lady Dasher."

  "No, indeed!" she sighed, rather than spoke.--"And that ought to make usmore careful, especially on entering into life as you are now doing. Mypoor dear papa used to say that every young man should insure; and Iwould recommend your taking out a `policy,' isn't that what they callit? _He_ did not insure his life--poor dear papa did not require it;but he always advised every one else doing so!"

  "That's what most people do,"--I said; still, I was thankful for thehint, and carried it into effect shortly afterwards.

  While on the point of friendly congratulations and advice, I should notforget to mention, that Horner also had his fling at me, perpetratingwhat he considered a joke at my expense.

  "Bai-ey Je-ove!" he said the very next Sunday when I met him outside thechurch after service. "You aah one of aws, now, Lorton, hay?"

  "Yes," I said.

  "Aw then, my de-ah fellah, you mustn't chawff me any mo-ah, you know._Dawg don't eat dawg_, you know--ah, hay, Lorton!"

  And he chuckled considerably at his feeble wit.

  Poor Horner!